It’s no secret that relationships are hard. You have to work at them all the time. Life happens and it changes people and you have to figure out how you still fit with your SO constantly. Here are a couple of ways to make your spouse feel like you’re still trying.
Ask about their day
And actually listen when they tell you. It may seem like such a small thing, but the little things build the foundation to support the large weight of a fundamentally strong relationship. I’m a stay at home mom currently, and now that my oldest is back in school, life doesn’t vary day to day with a 19 month old. But it is still nice to be asked. Adult communication is vital for parents especially.
Ask about your partner’s dreams/aspirations
I’m a person that has trouble sometimes articulating my desires because it is very personal for me. I’ve had the sole identity of “mom” for so long that it is hard for me to think of doing anything else. But I want to, and I’m so excited about it. And I’m sure your partner is too. All you have to do is ask.
Support your partner
I feel like this one should go without saying, but it is often overlooked. This is kind of an umbrella category because it means so many things. Support their dreams, support their goals, support them emotionally and physically, support them against people who rail against them. Be there in every way for them.
Don’t hide things
I’m one of the brave souls of the world who doesn’t have a lock on their phone. I’m not passing judgement on anyone that does. My lack of passcode is more anxiety fueled because in the event of an accident I want first responders to be able to easily access my emergency contacts, but it’s also because at any given time, I’m not ashamed or embarrassed to have anybody see the content of my phone. Want to see a bazillion pictures of my family or see the ridiculous conversations I have with my mom? Be my guest. I’m an open book. I won’t begrudge anybody their right to privacy, but if there is something on your phone that would hurt your partner, you’re doing something wrong. This heading really goes for communication in general. Don’t hide things. It might suck to hear the truth sometimes but it’s more painful to be left in the dark.
I’m not a relationship expert by any means. But there are basic things that I think people need to be reminded of. Life gets crazy and we sometimes forget to give our SO the attention they need. Check in with them and it’s amazing how smoothly that machine can run.
An open letter to those that are tired of my shit:
I know that you are probably tired of my mood swings. You know what’s funny? I am too. I’m actually pretty fucking sick of not knowing which direction my brain is about to take me. I’m happy right this second, but don’t blink! This rollercoaster doesn’t stop!
I’m sorry for being insecure. And not just a normal or healthy version of insecure that is acceptable, but the kind of insecure that inspires paranoia and requires frequent validation from you. I know it sucks to have me ask you if I’ve made you mad 20 times, or if you love me. Trust me, I hate it too.
My bad for that anxiety. I know it’s a bummer to hear about the twisted and frankly improbable fears that I have. I would love for them to stop tormenting my brain all hours of the night when I’m trying to sleep.
Be a dear and excuse my sheer lack of ability to communicate. You see, that one is a combination of the above. I don’t want to complain about anything ever that you may be doing that’s effecting me because I’m paranoid you’re going to get angry with me and fight with me and all the terrible things I think you think about me are going to come out and then when you’re done with the horrible confrontation, you’re going to leave me.
The thing is, I’m really tired of saying sorry. Just like you, I can’t change the way I feel. While your feelings might be more rational, my feelings are still just as valid. And as much as you didn’t ask to deal with a basket case, I didn’t ask to be one. But if you’ve committed to being a part of my life, you need to accept me, and my crazy ass brain, in all of its seratonin-deprived glory. It’s not a piece of cake to be friends with or in a relationship with someone who has a lot going on upstairs. It is hard to excuse things that you can’t see. It’s hard to fathom how someone can’t see reason from time to time. But try to. Put yourself in their shoes. Imagine what it is like to be trapped in your head, looking totally normal on the outside but screaming to be seen on the inside. We wish we were “normal” too. We wish we didn’t have to ride the struggle bus when the wheels are falling off and the whole damn thing catches fire. And please know I’m not asking you to not feel whatever you may be feeling in reaction to whatever level of batshit crazy you may be witnessing from me. Just try to be empathetic to something you can’t possibly understand. Sometimes all it takes is a simple, “are you okay?” Or a hug, or some space to let me sort out my feelings. All I’m asking is the same respect you demand as a human being.